Just Hanging On

Reblog if you suffer from an eating disorder, self harm, depression, anxiety, or body dysmorphic disorder. I want to follow you all.

(Source: worthlesshopelesssick, via afterallthis-time)

That Night - 1/11/11

“I am a failure at life. I just dropped out of college and I have no plan whatsoever.”

My plan since elementary school has been to go to college and get a four year degree. Now I’ve completely fucked it all up, because I’m a worthless dumb bitch who wastes her parents’ money. I couldn’t handle it… not that my grades were bad, oh no… I was on the dean’s list. But mentally I was crumbling. I could not get my ass out of bed, out of my apartment or study. I was barely eating. 

Winter Break

I thought I’d be okay by the time the next quarter started. Instead I woke up on the first morning of classes sobbing. I couldn’t imagine going through another day. I called you and you said it was fine and that we would figure out something, but I could hear the disappointment in your voice… and I could only imagine what you were thinking. “Great, she’s managed to waste our money and not even come out with a degree. We were almost free to retire, but the youngest kid screwed us over.”

So I decided. We had just celebrated your birthday and I had seen most of my friends over break. I was going to end my life. 

But I couldn’t do it before I talked to one more person. I called him. I just wanted to tell him goodbye, and for him to tell me it would be okay. He kept me on the phone long enough to drive to Seattle and block my car. I had been planning to leave and do it privately. But I had already come to terms with ending my life. I was done and death was waiting. Just because you were here did not mean I wasn’t going to do it.

Pills and Razors

I was angry that you had tricked me, and you wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom by myself, you wouldn’t let me go out to my car by myself, and that only made me more determined. So I let you throw my pills away, I let you think that I had changed my mind. I asked if you would come out to my car, so I could get some things. I got in first and locked you out. I had more pills stashed in my car. I began to pop them as fast as I could without liquid, so that I wouldn’t vomit.

You pounded on the window and shouted at me to stop. You begged. I kept taking them. You ran to the house for a moment, and I uncovered even more pills. You came back holding a knife to your wrist. You said, “If you’re going, then I am too.” 

I took one more pill to see if you were serious and I saw you begin to cut. “No,” I screamed. I unlocked the door and you got in. You grabbed some of my pills and took a couple. I sighed, grabbed a mountain dew… and that’s the last things I really remember.  

I don’t know how many pills I took. Enough to the point that I blacked out… apparently I was still moving about. You convinced me to go in the house, and that’s where I finally was able to get a hold of a razor. I have no memory of this, but I hacked at my wrist and my neck. Some cuts were good, but my motor skills were definitely affected by the high amount of sleeping pills.

Betrayal

I don’t remember this, but here’s what people told me:

You all convinced me to come out of the bathroom. You said we would eat Mac & Cheese and watch Baby Mama (I can’t believe I fell for that.) I came over to the couch, put my head on your shoulder, and was content to die that way. Two men came in and told me I had to come with them. I looked at them, they were from the fire department. I swung my head around and stared at my friends, tears welled up and my mouth dropped open in shock.

ER

I don’t remember the ambulance ride to the hospital. I don’t remember changing into different clothes before I was taken there. I don’t remember much. I remember my parents showing up. That was awful. I just wanted them to go away. They were not comforting. My mom had been crying and I didn’t want to look at either of them.

I remember the nurse coming at me with a huge needle. That was the first time I saw my wrist, it was caked with dried blood and still oozing a little bit. I remember turning my head the opposite way. I remember the nurse giving me a bottle of something and telling me to drink it. I took a gulp and started coughing. Liquid charcoal. I remember the nurse threatening me, “If you won’t drink that yourself, then we’ll force it down you.” 

I finished what I could and then blacked out yet again. Disappointed that I was still alive. 

Waiting

I was in a holding area when I woke up. I asked the nurse for a tooth brush and some water. The liquid charcoal had turned my mouth black. And then I remembered you saying, “If you die, I’m right behind you.” I freaked out. I ran back to the room they had me in, demanded my phone and called. I held my breath until your phone was answered. 

I heard your voice and we agreed to talk later, when I wasn’t around my parents or the hospital people.

Psych Ward

After a while, a nurse walked in. She asked me a lot of questions including, “Were you trying to kill yourself?” Ummmm duh?? My mom’s eyes started to water again. I mean what the fuck did you think I was trying to do?

Then they said it… “We think you should stay here and get some help.” I couldn’t even look at them. My parents were going to leave me here. Let me be alone with no meds the night after my attempt. I followed the nurse up to the fifth floor and to the locked ward. They went through all of my possessions, fed me dinner and showed me to my room where my room mate was already sleeping. And I cried, being as quiet as I could, because the nurses had to check on us every 30 minutes.

I eventually fell asleep, dreading what I would be in for the next day.

FML

I have about a million clothes to put away. Goodbye sunny day… OCD me will be busy organizing and folding. (and refolding and reorganizing a couple more times)